I live in a liberal place, Vermont was the first state to introduce civil unions, and the first state to introduce same-sex marriage by enacting a statute without being required to do so by a court decision. We have a rockin’ Pride Day, our schools celebrate Ally Week. All 6 of my kids have friends and classmates with same-sex parents. Folks working in schools and in politics are “out”, some are way out. Hell, I came out on Facebook as poly and kinky, and the parents of kids at the school where I work sent me messages of support.
So, you ask, what’s this rant going to be about? It’s about defending my staightness. You see, in the circles I run in there seems to be a great deal of both tacit and explicit straight shaming.
Let’s be clear; I find women awfully beautiful. They are softer than men, curvier, easier on the eyes. but in the same way that it would never occur to me to enter a museum and dry-hump a Rodin, it would never interest me to have sex with a woman.
And yes, I have tried! (several times) At a time when I was trying to figure out all the kinky and poly I also gave Bi a go. Principally because I felt pushed by folks who kept asking if I had tried. Friends, I love you, but this is the most disrespectful of questions. And it’s one, incedentally, that you would never ask a man. The question implies that a woman who identifies as straight does not know her own mind or understand her own desires. Bi-sexual women may be the norm in the kink community, but they are not the rule.
What is it about my hetero-sexuallity that offends you so? Do you think it’s a jugement, that it makes me homophobic? I can assure you I am not. My partner of 15 years is pan-sexual, my son may well be bi, some of my very dearest friends are of various orientations-not-straight.
Does it make negotiation impossible? Have I created an impasse in your “we are poly but we share all our partners” style arraingement? It may be a great set-up for you guys, but it’s just not my cup of tea.
Does it fuck with your fantasy life? Do you like the idea of two women together and I just won’t play? Truely, you can find lots of girls-not-me to do that for you.
Did you think I was cute and I turned you down? Really I swear, it wasn’t you! You are probably fabulous, you just don’t come with a penis attached and I need that. Well, ok, you may have been fabulous, before you got more agressive and nasty with me than any man I ever turned down for less objective reasons. (this has happened to me several times in the last few months… what’s the deal ladies?!)
I should not have to come on-line or go out to events and be afraid of the reaction when I use the S-word. I should not have to justify my orientation. I should not be made to feel guilty just because women don’t get me hot and wet. I have no more control over who I want than you do. I assure you I am not bigotted, or repressed, or afraid; though I am starting to become a little angry.
It is demeaning and prejudicial to ask a heterosexual person if they are “sure”, if they have “tried”, if they “gave it a chance”. It is presumptive to tell us that we “just haven’t met the right girl”. It is not ok to assume that we are unaccepting of non-hetero-normative folks. It is absurd to be nasty about it.
At the end of the day, I want to fuck who I want to fuck. Just like everyone else. And I am of the opinion that as a community of outliers we should make a concerted effort to embrace everybody’s kink, even when it’s not our kink, even when it’s heterosexuality.