Monthly Archives: October 2013

How Not To Parent 101….or Why My Kids Are So Damn Cool (2012)

Tonight after dinner my #1 child, age 13, remained at the table to talk with us of many things. We discussed the Hapsburg Dynasty, the League of Nations, the creation of the USSR, the Kinnsey Scale, and predjudices about how people with “alternative” sexualities or gender identities “should” look. The kid was, understandably, surprised to find out his dad is pan-sexual. Once he absorbed this info he was equaly surprised that I am straight. ’cause, ya know, Bey is kinda rugged, and as I sit here typing, I am sporting a crew-cut, jeans, Docs, and a “legalize gay” t-shirt. What we came up with is people are attracted to who they are attracted to; and look how they look. And the two have no necessary correlation.

Also, he has decided to call me “Butch” and his father “Tinkerbell”, cause, well, he is our kid.

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Gratitude (november 2012)

I have spent this year mindfully trying to cultivate a spirit of gratitude, and I believe I am making headway. Most mornings I walk out my front door feeling blessed; but it’s a general sort of thing.

So on this day of Giving Thanks I thought it might be a good excersize to enumerate the blessings of the passing year.

I am thankful for expensive lessons learned cheap, and for every difficulty and challenge I faced. I didn’t like them at the time, I’m still not liking them now, but they are the thing that propels you down the road to destinations unknown.

I am thankful for old friends who have hung in. God I don’t know how people have the patience to love me sometimes.

I am thankful for new friends. Some of you are already like the family I wish I had. I fully intend to grow old with a few of you.

I am grateful to the vanilla busy-body who “outed” me. No one has ever done me such a favor! I found strength I didn’t know I had, and a fully open life is such a precious gift.

I am thankful for pies in the oven, the noise and chaos of my hoarde, long distance phone calls, miraculous good health, indoor herb gardens, finding my voice, finding my vocation, losing my hair, losing my heart,  learning to enjoy solitude,  plans and promises, companionable silences (even on the phone!), uncertainty and adventure, possibilities,…


On Defending One’s Orientation (November 2012)

I live in a liberal place, Vermont was the first state to introduce civil unions, and the first state to introduce same-sex marriage by enacting a statute without being required to do so by a court decision. We have a rockin’ Pride Day, our schools celebrate Ally Week. All 6 of my kids have friends and classmates with same-sex parents. Folks working in schools and in politics are “out”, some are way out. Hell, I came out on Facebook as poly and kinky, and the parents of kids at the school where I work sent me messages of support.

So, you ask, what’s this rant going to be about? It’s about defending my staightness. You see, in the circles I run in there seems to be a great deal of both tacit and explicit straight shaming.

Let’s be clear; I find women awfully beautiful. They are softer than men, curvier, easier on the eyes. but in the same way that it would never occur to me to enter a museum and dry-hump a Rodin, it would never interest me to have sex with a woman.

And yes, I have tried! (several times) At a time when I was trying to figure out all the kinky and poly I also gave Bi a go. Principally because I felt pushed by folks who kept asking if I had tried. Friends, I love you, but this is the most disrespectful of questions. And it’s one, incedentally, that you would never ask a man. The question implies that a woman who identifies as straight does not know her own mind or understand her own desires. Bi-sexual women may be the norm in the kink community, but they are not the rule.

What is it about my hetero-sexuallity that offends you so? Do you think it’s a jugement, that it makes me homophobic? I can assure you I am not. My partner of 15 years is pan-sexual, my son may well be bi, some of my very dearest friends are of various orientations-not-straight.

Does it make negotiation impossible? Have I created an impasse in  your “we are poly but we share all our partners” style arraingement? It may be a great set-up for you guys, but it’s just not my cup of tea.

Does it fuck with your fantasy life? Do you like the idea of two women together and I just won’t play? Truely, you can find lots of girls-not-me to do that for you.

Did you think I was cute and I turned you down? Really I swear, it wasn’t you! You are probably fabulous, you just don’t come with a penis attached and I need that. Well, ok, you may have been fabulous, before you got more agressive and nasty with me than any man I ever turned down for less objective reasons. (this has happened to me several times in the last few months… what’s the deal ladies?!)

I should not have to come on-line or go out to events and be afraid of the reaction when I use the S-word. I should not have to justify my orientation. I should not be made to feel guilty just because women don’t get me hot and wet. I have no more control over who I want than you do. I assure you I am not bigotted, or repressed, or afraid; though I am starting to become a little angry.

It is demeaning and prejudicial to ask a heterosexual person if they are “sure”, if they have “tried”, if they “gave it a chance”. It is presumptive to tell us that we “just haven’t met the right girl”. It is not ok to assume that we are unaccepting of non-hetero-normative folks. It is absurd to be nasty about it.

At the end of the day, I want to fuck who I want to fuck. Just like everyone else. And I am of the opinion that as a community of outliers we should make a concerted effort to embrace everybody’s kink, even when it’s not our kink, even when it’s heterosexuality.