On Defending One’s Orientation (November 2012)

I live in a liberal place, Vermont was the first state to introduce civil unions, and the first state to introduce same-sex marriage by enacting a statute without being required to do so by a court decision. We have a rockin’ Pride Day, our schools celebrate Ally Week. All 6 of my kids have friends and classmates with same-sex parents. Folks working in schools and in politics are “out”, some are way out. Hell, I came out on Facebook as poly and kinky, and the parents of kids at the school where I work sent me messages of support.

So, you ask, what’s this rant going to be about? It’s about defending my staightness. You see, in the circles I run in there seems to be a great deal of both tacit and explicit straight shaming.

Let’s be clear; I find women awfully beautiful. They are softer than men, curvier, easier on the eyes. but in the same way that it would never occur to me to enter a museum and dry-hump a Rodin, it would never interest me to have sex with a woman.

And yes, I have tried! (several times) At a time when I was trying to figure out all the kinky and poly I also gave Bi a go. Principally because I felt pushed by folks who kept asking if I had tried. Friends, I love you, but this is the most disrespectful of questions. And it’s one, incedentally, that you would never ask a man. The question implies that a woman who identifies as straight does not know her own mind or understand her own desires. Bi-sexual women may be the norm in the kink community, but they are not the rule.

What is it about my hetero-sexuallity that offends you so? Do you think it’s a jugement, that it makes me homophobic? I can assure you I am not. My partner of 15 years is pan-sexual, my son may well be bi, some of my very dearest friends are of various orientations-not-straight.

Does it make negotiation impossible? Have I created an impasse in  your “we are poly but we share all our partners” style arraingement? It may be a great set-up for you guys, but it’s just not my cup of tea.

Does it fuck with your fantasy life? Do you like the idea of two women together and I just won’t play? Truely, you can find lots of girls-not-me to do that for you.

Did you think I was cute and I turned you down? Really I swear, it wasn’t you! You are probably fabulous, you just don’t come with a penis attached and I need that. Well, ok, you may have been fabulous, before you got more agressive and nasty with me than any man I ever turned down for less objective reasons. (this has happened to me several times in the last few months… what’s the deal ladies?!)

I should not have to come on-line or go out to events and be afraid of the reaction when I use the S-word. I should not have to justify my orientation. I should not be made to feel guilty just because women don’t get me hot and wet. I have no more control over who I want than you do. I assure you I am not bigotted, or repressed, or afraid; though I am starting to become a little angry.

It is demeaning and prejudicial to ask a heterosexual person if they are “sure”, if they have “tried”, if they “gave it a chance”. It is presumptive to tell us that we “just haven’t met the right girl”. It is not ok to assume that we are unaccepting of non-hetero-normative folks. It is absurd to be nasty about it.

At the end of the day, I want to fuck who I want to fuck. Just like everyone else. And I am of the opinion that as a community of outliers we should make a concerted effort to embrace everybody’s kink, even when it’s not our kink, even when it’s heterosexuality.


About antoniafoote

Toni is the Mama of six ferociously quirky children. She can usually be found lying in a sunbeam wasting time with a book or staring off into the distance contemplating how all of human experience is comprised of infinite spectrums. Since all of the things are inextricably intertwined, she writes to make sense of it all. View all posts by antoniafoote

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